I Will Never Sleep Again I Will Never Even Close My Eyes Hellsing

Alucard: Hm? Of a sudden it reeks of hypocrisy in here. Oh if information technology isn't the Cosmic church! And whats this? No little Timmy glued to your crotch? Progress!
Anderson: Ahh, and look at what we have hither — a encarmine heathen!
Alucard: Excuse me, but I'm a fuck-mothering vampire! I killed a lot of people to get this title; I deserve to be chosen such!

—Episode ane

Integra: Where's Alucard?
Anderson: Ah, him? I KILLED HIM!
Integra: Killed him?
Anderson: Cut off his bloody head!
Integra: Oh. Well, that's pace ane. What well-nigh two through x?
Anderson: Ah, Christ!
Alucard reforms as epic music plays
Alucard: You done goofed.
Anderson: How in the blood-soaked Protestant hell did you do that?!
Alucard: Fuck you lot, that's how.

—Episode 1

Walter: Hello, my name is Walter C. Dornez, ex-vampire hunter, and butler to the Hellsing organization. I answer the door, I clean up the estate, and I accept out the trash. And I also impale self-entitled little twats similar yourself.
Jan: Well ain't y'all but the textbook fuckin' definition of classy. But approximate what, Jeeves: that garrote wire won't practice shit for dick against armour this thick. What's that, Alfred? HOW thick is it? Well, half as thick every bit my DICK, so thick enough that yous'd need a fuckin' anti-tank rifle to pierce it! And I don't even come across a piece on your wrinkly one-time ass!
Walter: Law Girl, if y'all may.
(Scene cuts to Seras with the Harkonnen)
Seras: Bitches dear cannons.
(Seras fires the cannon, blasting away some of Jan's zombie minions)
January: Oh fuck, that'due south an anti-tank burglarize... OH FUCK, THAT'S AN ANTI-TANK Burglarize!

—Episode 2

"Dear Chief Replacement: I wanted to send you this friendly little letter to inform you of your imminent demise. If you lot're curious about the frequency of which I've sent these letters, it is just to instill every bit much fear as I can. Equally if basting a turkey. Which I will then proceed to have sex with. THAT'Due south Right. I'M GOING TO FUCK THE FEAR TURKEY. Follow me on Twitter @thecrimsonfuckr. Sincerely, Alucard."

—Episode 3

Major: Gentlemen. Operation: Bait Van Winkle is a resounding success. Alucard is now exactly where we demand him to be and so we can motility forward with our little... "surprise". Even so, before we begin our next phase, I would like to take some time to address a rumor floating around the fleet.
Some of you accept come to believe that I like war. I wish to dash these rumors! I practice not like state of war.
I. LOVE. WAR.
Through my life, I have discovered so many forms of state of war. Y'all get upwards in the morning, y'all get into your shitty car, and you come across a rich CEO who works half every bit hard equally you lot practise drive down the street in his Porsche. Class war.
Y'all make information technology to work, and you discover out that the annual drug test is today. And you just and then happened to have a puff of your one-hitter a couple nights agone before dinner with your wife's awful parents. Drug war.
Only then, you find out that the simply ones being chosen in for testing are your black and Hispanic co-workers. Race war.
Then, you try to post about it on your Facebook, merely then all your friends start arguing near what'south right und what's incorrect. Flame war.
You finally get home, and y'all make up one's mind to relax past watching a program about: "Who gets the box?" "What's in the box?" "How much is what's in the box worth?" Storage Wars.
* chuckle* What I am telling y'all, my Nazi army of i,000 vampires, is that I am a purveyor of war. And with your help over the years, we are now at the precipice of our true goal.
Yous come across, I want a uncomplicated war. No class wars, no drug wars, no race wars, no flame wars... Und certainly, no Common cold Wars! ...Blueballed for 40 years...
What I desire is a war that simply nosotros can bring. A true war! A German language state of war! The sequel y'all've all been waiting for!
I! WANT! Earth! WAR!! Iii!!!

—Episode 4

Anderson: By Jove, ya fuckin' hedder of a adult female! Surrounded past 50 vampire Nazis armed literally to the teeth, and waddaya do? Ya get outta your machine, pull out your sword, cut of one of their heads, and yell 'Come up at me, ya kraut shits!' No wonder Alucard wants to plow that virgin soil - I'm thinkin' about growin' some flowers myself, ha ha ha!

—Episode 5

Anderson: Who are we?
Paladins of Iscariot: The necessary evil!
Anderson: Why are we necessary?
Paladins: To purge the earth of evil worse than man!
Anderson: And why are we, God's chosen few, ordained to undertake this unholy task?
Paladins: Because no-one else will!
Anderson: And considering it'southward fuckin' FUN! AHAHA! AHAHAHA! AHAH-AAAAAAAA-MEN!

—Episode 5

Pip Bernadotte: Quick reminder to anybody on the ground flooring: these are vampires. Much like ma chère, they won't go downwardly that piece of cake. And a night on the town and a little bit of wine won't woo them over. Yous will have to bear witness them that you care. Brand them experience like they're the only thing that exists for y'all in this earth. And then, when they finally open their legs...requite them everything...and leave nil.

—Episode 6

Maxwell: Mind up, those who take come to serve the unyielding will of our Almighty God! We take come together this night, nether the glow of a London inferno, in the eyes of our Lord, for one divine reason... FUCK THE NEW POPE!
(paladins cheer)
Maxwell: That Argentinian windbag has ruined us! Prattling on and on about the poor... We are the House of God, non a fucking soup kitchen!
Italy: Give thanks you! Even we're sick of feeding people! And we're Italian!
Maxwell: And what does he do with the golden throne? Replaces it with a WOODEN CHAIR! Probably carved by more poor people!
United mexican states: Jesus was a rex get-go! Carpenter second!
Maxwell: And practise not kickoff me on the homosexuals. Oh, if you love them and so much, why don't you fucking marry them?! Y'all seem then OK with the concept!
Canada: Yep, fuck bro! It'southward Adam and Eve, not Adam and another dude and they're havin' sex activity!
Maxwell: And he has the gall to renounce the Old Attestation as "mere stories"! "We should be more similar Jesus and besiege with whores, and homosexuals, and POOR PEOPLE!"
Poland ^note which is obviously a Jewish man pretending to be Cosmic, and possibly even Polish since his accent mysteriously disappears: Yeah! Perhaps we can all just agree that, mayhap, Jesus wasn't the Son of God!
Maxwell: Nosotros are the congregation of a wrathful God! We shall begin a new papist succession and I shall pb the states in the 9th Crusade! For I am your leader, THE NEW POPE! And later we are finished purging England of its demons and heathens...We! Volition!
KKK Member: Round up all those dirty ni-
Maxwell: OK, YOU need to CHILL!

—Episode six

Lt. Zorin Blitz: Real quick... does anyone want to explicate what we just witnessed?

Vampire Nazi Soldier: Ah, I remember that was Sonic the Hedgehog from the Sonic the Hedgehog franchise past Sega.

Zorin: Okay, just... why did it take a pes-long erection?

Vampire Nazi Soldier: The fanbase is... various.

Zorin: You mean fucking weird!

Alucard: Listen to me, Draculina! You lot are then much stronger than you let yourself be!
Seras: How do y'all know?!
Alucard: Because, behind those eyes, I saw something I lost long ago: the volition to live. Now, terminate running from who yous are. Face up it. Cover it! And go for it's fucking pharynx! LIKE A REAL FUCKING VAMPIRE!

—Episode vii

Zorin: Zat look, how?! I cut out your optics! How can you look at me like that?!
Seras: Fuck y'all, that's how! (Zorin growls in frustration) Zorin, was information technology? Heed, Zorin, this whole fucking place is my business firm. You own't the queen vampire bitch here; I am. And you know what we Brits e'er say... God. Salve. The Queen."

—Episode 7

Maxwell: For ye are the temple of the living God; equally God hath said, I volition dwell in them, and walk in them, and I will exist their God, and they shall exist my people. Wherefore come out from amidst them, and be ye separate, saith the Lord, and touch on not the unclean thing and I volition receive you. ^note 2 Corinthians six:sixteen-17
Lilliputian Boy: Mummy, what'south that man talking nigh?
Maxwell: Yes, my fellow Christians! We have come to save you!
Civilian: Hooray, it's the Catholic Church!
Maxwell: FROM YOURSELVES!!!
Civilian: Oh no, information technology's the Catholic Church.

—Episode 8

Maxwell: Yes! Cleanse the World of these sinners! May the Lord have mercy! For I! HAVE! NONE!
Integra: You know, I think your boy Maxwell'south letting his new authorisation get to his head a little. Y'all should probably have a talk with him.
Heinkel: He's — he's only under a lot of pressure!
Maxwell: You do not deserve God's MERCY! If He will not turn you lot to the afterlife, THEN I Volition!!
Heinkel: I mean, words just accept every bit much meaning as nosotros give them.
Maxwell: Sinners volition be allowed no quarter! Impale them all! LET GOD SORT THEM OUT!
Integra: You're right, a lot open to interpretation there.
Heinkel: Perchance one of us should have a talk with him.
Maxwell: I SHALL BE THE NEW GOD OF THIS Globe!!!
Anderson: Yep, let me go take a wee conversation.
Integra: Oh, I have an idea.
Anderson: Woman...
Integra: Why not write down a formal protest?
Anderson: Don't you cartel...
Integra: Yous tin nail it to his door...
Anderson: Don't y'all fuckin' dare!
Integra: Like a Protestant!

—Episode 8

Integra: Fuck information technology; dropping the formalities. Alucard! Go for a walk.
Alucard: When hope is gone, undo this lock. And send me forth on a moonlit walk. Release Restraint Level... ZERO .

—Episode viii

The Major: It'south kind of hilarious, in a mundane way.
Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO!
Herr Doktor: What is, Herr Major?
Maxwell: NO NO NO NO NO!
The Major: That none of these vhaffle munchers ever put it together that "Alucard" backwards is...
Maxwell: DRACULAAAAAA?!
Herr Doktor: To exist fair, how long did it take for us to figure that out?
The Major: A fair betoken. But, ve vere very busy planning World State of war 3...!
Herr Doktor: True. As well, it looks like our forces are being quite literally slaughtered!
The Major: Ha! Who gives a shit?! Zey're Nazis!

Maxwell: HA! Stupid demon-zombies! Claw away all you want! The only thing that tin pierce my Holy Pope Box is the will of God hims-
(cue Anderson'southward bayonet piercing the drinking glass as Maxwell looks on in horror while Anderson giggles maniacally)
Maxwell: ANDERSON! POR QUE?!
Anderson: It is the sacred duty of the Iscariot Organization to punish the demon, the heretic, and the false god.
(Maxwell immediately gets an Oh, Crap! reaction every bit he had just moments before declared A God Am I)
Anderson: Also you're a daft cunt!
Maxwell: ANDERSON...! ANDERSON, I DON'T DESERVE THIS!!
Anderson: Sinners volition be allowed no quarter. Kill them all, and let God sort them out.
(cue Maxwell getting impaled, screaming and drowning in his own blood)

—Episode eight

Anderson: To the Iscariot society and all surviving crusaders: fall dorsum to the Vatican!
Heinkel: But Father Anderson, we were under orders to-
Anderson: You lot don't have to follow orders when your leader'southward interim like a daft cunt! Too, Maxwell's dead, so...
Heinkel: Oh... that's a... tragedy...
Anderson: Don't cry for the stupid, you'll exist crying all mean solar day. Now follow my orders; there'south something I must accept care of.
Heinkel: Male parent Anderson, there is no way you tin beat Alucard the way he is now.
Anderson: Mayhap you're right, Heinkel... But I want to accept a stab at information technology anyway.

—Episode viii

Dracula: Alucard is not here right now. You lot confront Count Dracula of Wallachia.
Anderson: Phone call yourself whatever you like, yous crazy vampire bastard! I'm here to cleanse the earth of your filth, once and for all!
Dracula: Many have tried and failed. Yet if it is my fate to fall to your blade... and then let it be so... worthy opponent.
Anderson: Time the fuck out. If we're doing this, and we are doing this, I'1000 not gonna come up swinging at Dracula... I'm killin' Alucard!
Dracula: You... do know that it's just my name spelled—
Anderson: Of grade I exercise! (starts producing bayonets out of nowhere) Shut up and bring him out!
(Anderson throws a couple of blades, which are countered past bullets, one of which explodes the Iscariot's left mitt)
Dracula: (sighs) Very vell... If you insist
(Dracula'due south cloak obscures the camera as Alucard's twin pistols emerge)
Alucard: Hey there, Padre! How's Little Timmy? You lot know what's practiced for getting cum stains out of chantry boy robes? Holy h2o! Didja miss me?
Anderson: Like coke later on lent!
Alucard: Await, are we talking cola or cocai- (fight starts)

—Episode 8

Anderson: Any last words, monster?
Alucard: Have yous ever though almost carbonating the blood of Christ? You know, give the kids something fizzy to drinkable earlier they wake up in an hour.
(Anderson pulls a small wooden box out of his coat)
Alucard: Oh, sweet! You've got some on ya!
Anderson: I forgive you.
Alucard: ...Excuse me?
Anderson: Everything you've said. Everything you've washed. I forgive you.
Alucard: Well, isn't that user-friendly? But information technology's non up to YOU, is it? It'due south up to your precious God.
Anderson: You're right. (Brandishes the Smash of Helena) Would y'all similar to speak to Him?
Heinkel: Isn't zat one of ze nails zat pierced Christ's torso?!
Yumie: Hai. (Yup.)
Heinkel: From ze "Don't Fuck Vith This" Arsenal?!
Yumie: Haaai. (Yuuup.)
Heinkel: Vere they keep ze Ark of ze Covenant, ze Dead Sea Scrolls, and ze ACTUAL Trunk of Christ?!
Yumie: Haaaaaai. (Yuuuuuup.)
Alucard: Ooh la la! You've got a boom with some Savior juice on information technology! Whatcha gonna do, stab me through the eye?
Anderson: Not yours...
Alucard: (Growling with rage) NO, NO, NO...
Anderson: MINE.
Alucard: Nonononono no no NO!!!
(Anderson stabs himself through the heart with the nail and goes One-Winged Angel)
Anderson: Through the ministry of the Church, may God give y'all pardon and peace,
Anderson/God: And I absolve you lot from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. ^annotation John twenty:21-23

—Episode viii

Alucard: How does a bastard, orphaned, son of a whore
And a Scotsman dropped in the eye of a forgotten spot
In an Italian village without a roof for sleeping under
Grow upward to be a mortiferous demon hunter?

Seras "Police force Girl" Victoria: The paladin, Catholic Father without a father
Got a lot farther by working a lot harder
Past beingness a lot smarter
By being a self-starter at 14
Who knew he was gonna go a martyr?

Pip Bernadotte: And so he got a chore with the mob smuggling heroin
But soon the law was hot on his trail, pursuit was narrowing
And so he disguised himself every bit a priest and a Samaritan
And felt the urge to exist much more than a barbarian

The Major: Then a vampire came and devastation reigned
Our man saw this monster sucking claret from people'south veins
Then he took a holy blade and he stabbed it in the brain!
The vampire was slain, the incident lit a flame!

Alucard: Well, the word got around, they said "This kid is insane, human!"
Took up a collection just to transport him to the Vatican
"Go your ordination, don't forget from whence you lot came
And the world's gonna know your name"
What'south your proper noun, man?

Alexander Anderson: Alexander Anderson
My name is Alexander Anderson
And I like killing things because information technology'due south fun
So just you pray
Just you pray

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: And that was how he found a home back in Rome, joined Iscariot
Trained him how to fight and defend the Proletariat
Paired him with a deadly sidekick; a Kraut chick
Iscariot Choir: Injected him with nanobots and now he heals quick

Major: Protestants and heathens are something that he could not abide
Killing 'em filled him right up with pride, something new inside
A voice saying
Iscariot Choir: "Alex, yous gotta humble yourself"
Major: He started retreating and reading every Bible on the shelf

Alucard: There would've been nada left to practise for someone less astute
He would've been dead or destitute without a cent of restitution
Started writing, fighting for the Church and the good Lord
Killing ghouls and zombie fools and all of Satan's demon horde
Slaying every undead freak he could get his easily on
Praying God would continue him meek as he lands on
The green earth of the Em'rald Island
Iscariot's sending him off to Ireland

Iscariot Choir: Alexander Anderson (Alexander Anderson)
Jesus is the simply rex for you (He's the merely king for you)
You never backed down, you lot took your own death in
Stride, oh
Alexander Anderson (Alexander Anderson)
When the Seraphim sing for you
Will they open the pearly gates?
Will they know you embraced your fate?
The earth will never be the same, oh

Alucard: He should've gotten more in life than what his Savior brought him
Iscariot Choir: Just you pray
Alucard: A life of piety and this is what information technology got him?
Iscariot Choir: Merely you pray
Alucard: To sacrifice his personhood is what the Church had taught him
Iscariot Choir: Nosotros fought with him!
Enrico Maxwell: Me? I died to him!
Integra: Me? I hated him!
Kris: Me? I loved him.
Alucard: And me? Well, I'm the vampire that shot him

Anderson: I like killing things because information technology's fun
Iscariot Choir: So just you pray
Alucard: What'due south your name, man?
Iscariot Choir: Alexander Anderson!

— "Alexander Anderson (Hamilton Parody)", Episode eight Ending Theme

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing: I'm sorry, what the fuck am I looking at? Is that...metal and oil?! Are yous a cyborg? WHY ARE YOU A CYBORG?!
The Major: I am no less a man than anyone with a pacemaker or hearing assistance. For what is the marker of a man, but his interminable will?

Integra: Is in that location a residue terminate between now and the fucking indicate?
Major: The signal, Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing, is that we are nothing but scared, spiteful children playing at machismo, a fictitious lie of comfort and, even more than repugnant, complacence! So what is a man to do but wage war so calamitous and glorious that information technology would snap humanity out of its foolish, worthless deception?! And who better an opponent than Hellsing?

— Episode 10

Alucard: And before you inquire, aye! THIS IS A JOJO REFERENCE!!
Walter: Part 1 was the best!
Alucard: Ah, you would say that, you fucking Brit! ^note Phantom Blood'due south protagonist was Jonathan Joestar, the but fully-British JoJo.
The Major: I prefer Function 2. ^annotation Too as taking place during World State of war II, Boxing Trend also stars a Nazi cyborg in the form of Rudol von Stroheim.

"Hellsing's a silly show, because it's virtually someone who is flawed trying to take out things that are even more than flawed. I remember there's something kind of keen about that. But if there's any meaningful takeaway — I know, "It's simply an anime re-dub/cartoon." — ...since I have a large audience here I can say a couple of things. Y'all're non where you are right now. Yous're where you're going. And if you have that which you cannot control, and then yous control that which you take accepted. I love anybody who is sitting beside me. All the mods in the back, you guys accept helped facilitate an amazing community. And I hateful this honestly, we owe you so much. I am aware I have the distinct pleasure that many creators strive for their unabridged life, which is an audience for art I believe in. Everything can be fabricated fun of. Cypher is above ridicule. And as I move forward, in the offset of working on my original series, this is an amazing lesson in what can happen if you simply piece of work with people, focus on what you're good at, and do your best. In the terminate, you're gonna make mistakes, some of them bad, merely...5 steps forrard is still a step forwards. Thank you all so much for giving this lightheaded idea a shot. From the bottom of my middle, thanks."

— Takahata101, at the terminate of the live premiere stream of Episode ten.

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Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Quotes/HellsingUltimateAbridged